From the very late 1990’s up until the time I retired, I worked in an office. I chose a different career path that involved sitting in front of a computer doing things with other computers and servers for the British Healthcare system: the NHS.
Going to see new stuff
Very infrequently, we had the opportunity to go and see new equipment at a suppliers site, with a view to purchasing new systems. Generally, this involved booking a pool car and a bunch of us travelling to the supplier of choice. Once there, we would be presented with the new system (or the new equipment), be given demonstrations and have discussions with the supplier’s technical experts about the new shiny things.
Depending on what the system or equipment was on offer, the experience would vary from downright interesting, to a bit boring. More often than not however, this would include lunch of some description, making up for the boring bits!
Transport
As mentioned in a previous post, I had a very strange, narcissistic, pendant for a boss (we called him Ted). Normally, he wouldn’t bother going on the days out, he left that to his team’s experts (and you could only get four in a car). We could book two cars (if they were available) if more people needed to go.
Invariably we would go, report back, and he would barrage us (usually me) with many many questions, ignore everything we said and ended up not buying the new shiny things. Despite the wasted time and fuel spent going and the target companies hospitality and time.
Then one day – totally out of the blue – he wanted to go and see something.
The trip
Unfortunately, I can’t remember what or who it was we were going to see. I remember it being in the Reading area (there was a big technology park there), so it could have been any one of Microsoft, Symantec or Hitachi – certainly one of the bigger players in the IT Industry.
I do remember that there were six of us in total that wanted to go (including me). That meant two cars. That meant someone had to travel with the Boss (Ted). Determined that the someone shouldn’t be me, I tried to backout. That was not happening. I had to be there, as I was in charge of servers and server architecture (for my sins). I tried to get in the car with the other team experts. That wasn’t happening either, as Ted wanted to talk to me about it on the way and back.
Bloody bugger!!
Here we go!
Pool cars were booked and I was told to pick him up from his house. On time (obviously). Knowing I was in for a bit of a ride, I was hoping to drive, so I’d have an excuse not to listen. But no. Ted is in charge, he will drive.
So I decided to make notes along the way. Here are the observations I made. There is a lot of heavy sarcasm (they are all sarcastic!) in these notes, but these are exactly as I wrote them down in the car.
Sometimes the writing was delayed, mainly because I was shit-scared!
Ted and I
- Before you get into the car, announce very loudly (and to no-one in particular) that you are a safe and careful driver.
- Do not bother with motorways. Motorways are for pussies. Stick to the single-track roads through the countryside. It’s much prettier.
- When driving along said single track country lanes, drive as fast as possible. There won’t be anyone coming in the other direction, as they are fully aware that you are on your way.
- When driving in direct sunlight though trees, jam the brakes on every time the sun bursts through the trees onto the windscreen. That way, people behind you will automatically know that you can’t see, doing 70mph.
- Speaking of brakes, they are either on or off. There is no in between.
- Completely ignore your passenger. They aren’t there for conversation, they are there to listen to you.
- If you’ve driven up a road before, be sure to relate the entire last journey (in real time) to your passenger. It’s interesting.
- Referring back to motorways – don’t use them. Drive through a major city instead. It’ll be much quicker to be sat in a traffic jam at roundabouts for hours.
- The white lines on the road are for guidance only. Other people should use them (as they are lesser mortals than you). You don’t have to. Ignore them.
- The same applies to speed limits. They are there for guidance only.
- If you are another motorist – and you are in front of us – it is your moral duty to move out of the way.
- Given that it’s 26°C outside and the car has no air conditioning, do not open the windows. Open windows serve no purpose other than to produce an irritating thumping noise when they’re open, so don’t open them.
- Ignore the passenger that’s melting next to you in direct, full sunlight.
- Ignore the sign that says “All visitors must stop at security gate”. It doesn’t apply to you and the guard on duty will add no value anyway.
- It’s a pool car. Gears don’t apply. Ignore the rev counter needle bending around the upper stop.
- As mentioned previously, the passenger is there to be ignored. Should, by sheer dint of luck, the passenger happens to find an available conversation space, interrupt frequently to shout at other road users. Other users can obviously hear you, by osmosis.
That was exactly as the journey went. There and back. I was very happy to get home that night!
And we still didn’t buy the bloody thing! 😮